Do you know the warning signs of grooming?

What inspired me to write this blog is a podcast I was listening to called “Betrayal” by Glass Productions and IHeart Media. It recounts several women’s stories of betrayal and abuse. One topic discussed was grooming and the lack of awareness of it within the general population. I think it’s important for everybody, of all ages, to be aware of grooming as abusers can prey on anyone or any age.

How many people really know what grooming looks like? Would you really know it if it was happening to you? I speak from experience as I was groomed at one point in my adult life and didn’t see it at the time, and I’m a mental health professional! It was only with therapy, distance and reflection that I realized that I was being groomed.

What is grooming?

The word ‘grooming’ has become synonymous with child sexual abuse, but kids aren’t the only ones that can be groomed. Grooming is a tool commonly used to gain someone’s trust to exploit them in some way. Typically, when we hear about grooming it’s in regards to children being prepared and desensitized for sexual abuse. Grooming is a process and can take months to years to occur. In relation to kids, abusers may groom the victim’s parents, guardians or others close to them in order to get proximity.

Perpetrators of Grooming

People who groom use manipulative behaviors to gain access to potential victims, coerce them to agree to the abuse, reduce the risk of getting caught. While these tactics are used most often against younger kids, teens and vulnerable adults are also at risk. Grooming can take place online or in-person. In order to minimize their risk the perpetrator will encourage the victim to keep secrets which creates feelings of guilt and shame for the victim and ultimately maintains the victim’s silence.

For kids and teens, abusers are usually someone in their circle of trust, such as a family member, coach, teacher, youth group leader, clergy member, or others who naturally have some interaction with them. First, they will befriend the victim and appear to be offering them something they need like attention, gifts, money, help, advice. They will work to make the victim feel special and important. For adults, it can be an authority figure or someone close to them. Abusers isolate their victims in order to create a sense of dependence. They create a perceived emotional connection with their victims through lies and manipulation. They are charming and usually have a good reputation in the community, this is to protect and cover their behavior. For example, a child or teen will be less like to tell if the perpetrator is a well-liked teacher who has a good reputation within the school and community for fear that no one will believe them.

Grooming isn’t obvious or we would all know when to run for the hills. Especially in the case of teens or adults with partners who are close to their own age, the line between one-sided predation and a mutually-desired relationship can be a grey one. The abuser will prey on vulnerabilities, and they are very good at picking up on them. Abusers paint a portrait of themselves that meets the needs of the vulnerable victim and will say and do whatever is needed to make the victim feel special. This enables them to carry out whatever exploitation they are after.

There are stages of grooming which make it difficult to detect. Here are the stages of grooming:

1. Targeting the victim

2. Gaining trust

3. Filling a need

4. Isolating with secrets, physically or emotionally

5. Sexualizing the relationship

6. Maintaining control

For a more in-depth article on the stages of grooming check out Heather Davidson’s article: “Were you ‘groomed?’: Understanding the Role of Grooming Behavior in Sexual Abuse” and

“Keeping Kids Safe From Grooming and Manipulation”: https://www.d2l.org/child-grooming-signs-behavior-awareness/

What are the risk factors that make someone vulnerable or a target for grooming? The risk factors are mostly the same for kids, teens and adutls. Here are the most common risk factors:

· Stressful home environment

· Low self-esteem and low self-worth

· Kids with little adult supervision

· Unmonitored access to technology

· Poor communication

· Loneliness

· People who identify as LGBTQ+

· Loose boundaries

· Disabilities

· Blended families

· Domestic abuse within the home

· Previous experience of sexual abuse

For more information on the risk factors, check out this article: 11 Factors that Increase the Risk of Child Sexual Abuse.

There is a misconception that adults can’t be groomed. This is a myth. Anybody who is in a vulnerable state can be taken advantage of regardless of age. The women who shared their stories in “Betrayal” were young, older, in the military, caretakers, professionals. The predator was a chameleon and really good at disguising himself. He had numerous affairs with women who had low self-worth and low self-esteem which made them easy targets for his charm and manipulation. He was a different character for each woman depending on what was her vulnerability. He complemented whatever it was he sensed they were lacking in order to make them feel special, which would allow him to manipulate them. You may be thinking “well these were grown women who can think for themselves” but they are not to blame when they have been lied to and manipulated. There’s a difference between embellishing and purposely telling someone what they want to hear in order to get them to do what you want them to do. Because of the manipulation, victims tend to feel confused initially, liking what they are hearing and questioning why it’s being said to them or why it feels uncomfortable.

The warning signs for grooming are the same for adults and kids. Parents need to pay attention to who is interacting with their children because grooming can be hard to spot. Here are some red flags for parents to watch out for:

· Special attention

· Gift giving

· Excessive compliments

· Child reports or seeing an adult touching or hugging child

· Someone being a sympathetic listener

· Someone offering help to the family in exchange for time with the child

· Child spending a lot of time online

Signs of grooming for adults and older teens can be even harder to spot. If your loved one becomes withdrawn, or they seem troubled by something but are unwilling to talk about it this could be a red flag. Their emotions might become more volatile. You may notice them using or wearing something new, that you didn’t buy for them. Groomers often aim to isolate their targets from their family or friends therefore your loved one may seem reluctant to see you, because they are being manipulated. You may notice that sums of money have disappeared from their bank account, or the person claims they cannot pay for food or bills, this is typically seen with financial abuse of elderly persons. The person might be spending more time on the phone, or online, than usual but they won’t say what sites they’re visiting, or who they’re talking to. They start talking about a new “friend”, “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, and it’s not clear who they are or how they met them. Grooming can also lead to radicalization. In which case, you might notice that the person starts talking excessively about an issue or a cause that’s never really interested them before.

How to stop grooming?

You can stop grooming at any time by telling someone you trust. Often victims feel like there’s a point of no return. Know you can always change your mind and say, “No more”. No matter how long it’s gone on you can tell someone and ask for help. If something doesn’t feel right but you’re not sure if your being groomed then ask a trusted friend or adult. You are not at fault, you are victim to deception and acted based on false pretenses. You may feel guilty, like you’re getting someone in trouble by telling but you aren’t able to get someone in trouble if they aren’t doing anything wrong.

If you have been a victim seek therapy and reach out to support groups with other survivors. Talking about it is important, you are not alone. Healing takes time.